Between compromise and surrender

About two weeks ago, I successfully finalised my 21-day Abundance Challenge, experience that has dramatically shaped my understanding of the riches and diversity of the world around me, has increased my sensitivity and perceptiveness to levels that I had been unable to anticipate and has made me more grateful and more connected to the available resources: Infinity.
Nevertheless, with every new lesson that we learn, comes a test that is meant to check how well we have internalised the Universe’s teachings and how ready we are to lead our life by a new set of principles. The durability and persistence of our knowledge must be proven practically, through the choices we make and actions we take in pursuit of our dreams and desires.
As such, I landed straight into a carousel of ground shaking experiences and emotions. With only two weeks to go before my dirty 30, my energies are all over the place. I thought I had finally reached a place of balance, of stability, of free flowing love and abundance, yet here I am, finding myself straying, going around in circles, tiptoeing around my basic needs, getting lost in my own fears and insecurities, neglecting myself, getting caught in mindlessness, pettiness, superficiality and people-pleasing.
The two previous weeks have generated a constant struggle of setting boundaries and understanding my own limits. With my sister moving in and my mother visiting, my small, intimate apartment no longer felt like home. Which has nothing to do with how much I love my family, but rather, with the fact that my daily routines and my personal living habits were instantly thrown out the window.
People who are getting to know me during this period were of the opinion that I am rather “rigid”, for refusing to compromise or enable new experiences, due to my desire to stick to my ways of doing things or hold on to certain beliefs. In truth, my beliefs are rightfully based on nearly scientific evidence drawn from previous life experiences and therefore, my coping mechanisms, my keeping distance, my need to take my time and analyse what I am getting myself into, or whether a specific event is making me uncomfortable is nothing but a natural reaction to things that strip away my power.


Accommodating other people’s wants and needs should be fairly easy, especially when you care about the people involved. Right? Wrong! Sometimes, being open, kind, considerate, trusting and loving to those around can end up being a struggle, particularly when your personal boundaries get pushed around and you feel nothing can be done about it. For a while, my soul felt like a slingshot being pulled far beyond its stretchability limit, whose only option at some degree of agency is to ricochet and hit you right in the face.
And hit it has. After a couple of days of restlessness, irritability and dissatisfaction, I realised I wasn’t getting enough sleep, I was eating too much meat and sugar and not enough fruit and veggies, I was spending too much time on my phone and allowing men to be far too intimate and personal, despite the extreme level of discomfort and distress that was causing.
Finally, it dawned on me that the only way by which I could regain my power was to be in my power, to be firm and considerate about my boundaries and to be the one actively asserting them. I started the week with a fresh outlook on things and the first thing I laid eyes on this morning was a quote from the Wizard of Oz saying, “You had the power all along, my dear”.
I was rather ashamed of myself, for having been tangled and trapped in victim mentality, giving away my power and subsequently complaining and being unrealistic about the external contribution to my misery, and failing to see that I had all the necessary tools to turn the situation around.
Nevertheless, understanding that spirituality is a full time job, I tuned back in to gratitude, I ordered some organic white sage to clean up the energies at my place, as well as a new deck of Oracle cards, so that I restore my witchiness and continue my journey of growth, peace, self-confidence and self-love.
On a more positive note, this period has been very beneficial for my body positivity, having determined me to fully embrace my sexuality, after nearly 2 years of emotional and physical retreat, to truly open up to the possibility of being intimate with a man, and by this, I hardly refer to intercourse, but rather, to being truly naked, truly vulnerable, truly living only in the present moment, not wanting to be a step ahead, not wanting to anticipate my next move, not wanting to play hunter chaser, but rather, surrendering to the connection established between two high vibrating souls and wholeheartedly believing in love.

Love,
Vladiana

Published by curvybuddha

Exploring spirituality with the same curiosity and love of humankind that drove me to become an anthropologist, I started CurvyBuddha on the 1st of January 2019, as a project of self-discovery. Peppered with personal reflections, pop culture references, a sprinkle of naughtiness, mystical intel and tarot analogies, my journey has become one of self-love. I am happy to share my findings with you, in hope they will help you on your own path, fellow friend.

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