Emotional self-defense

Romanians have a superstition, according to which, if a young unmarried woman trips and falls on her knees, she will meet her soulmate and she will get married within the year. Now, for the past 4 years or so, I tripped and fell at least four or five times, and the only thing that did was to make me wonder when I had become so clumsy. That is because the men I met after each of these falls have been the kind of soulmates that bring out tough, ugly lessons about (self)love, standards and boundaries.
I took the last of these falls yesterday morning, on my way out from the metro, after having exchanged phone numbers with a man who has been very persistent in approaching me over the past month, each time we crossed paths on the platform, on our way to work. It made me realise that I may deeply be yearning for shared love and a healthy commitment, but at the same time, I am very closed off and wary of any romantic contact, for fear of being hurt.
You see, about two weeks ago I found out that my massive karmic lesson, whom I took two long years of my life to get over, was going to soon come to Belgium and would potentially want to meet me. Therefore, I embarked on an emotional rollercoaster of possible scenarios, in which I tried to break each single possibility down to the tiniest of details, in order to make sure I would get out of the experience with the least amount of hurt.
In Tarot, there is a card, the 4 of pentacles, represented by a man holding on to a coin tightly and fearfully, clutching it closely in front of his heart chakra, desperately defending some apparent feeling of security and safety that he gets from this small fortune, or else he would feel the earth running from under his feet. Soon I realised this was the energy I was channelling.
I have suffered so deeply from this past relationship, that now, not only was I terrified of meeting my ex again, but also, I was projecting this same fright onto any other potential romantic connection coming my way, for fear of encountering the same low-vibe interaction that would leave me depleted of energy and emotionally devastated. My desire to protect myself was not coming from a place of self-love, but rather, from a place of fear.


Thus, I understood that oftentimes, when we hesitate, when we protect the status quo, what we cling on to for we deem comfortably safe is actually a state of comfortably numb. We practically deter our own evolution and growth towards something better, we stop ourselves in our tracks from moving forward, because we linger onto the past hurt and disappointment, and we believe the only way to avoid learning another tough lesson on love is by avoiding love altogether.
Gladly, I have wise and rational friends, who shake me back into clear and sane reasoning. As I was exemplifying my struggles, my friend asked me a simple question: “What percentage of your expectations concerning a lifelong romantic partner are met by this guy? I am speaking about his concrete behaviours and actions, not his potential”. I soon realised he barely accounts for 20% of what I need in a relationship. My friend continued to say that, as a commitment to self-love, she had decided she would not become involved with men who score less than 80% of her standards.
In order to embrace such a strong and determined stance, it is highly necessary that we be cognizant of ourselves, inside and out, have full mastery of our emotions, and be in alignment with our intuition, and balanced in body, mind and spirit. When we act from a place of profound self-knowledge and self-acknowledgement, we can respond to our true calling, we can follow our North Star and truly use our talents and gifts purposefully, in a committed and dignified manner.
Walking away from incompatible energies that no longer serve our growth is the wisest and kindest decision we can make for our higher purpose. To make room for fresh and nourishing people and experiences in our life, we sometimes need to make the decision to break it off with the past entirely, whereas we cannot control other people’s negative behaviours, but we can control how long we participate in them.
I figured that in order to boost my personal development learning curve before I turn 30, is must learn to say “no” to the people and energies that do not meet me on the same level of emotional intelligence, spiritual evolution and height of vision. I therefore need to avoid love wastage by withdrawing my emotional investment from dead-end relationships and repurpose my resources to nurture myself, and those who appreciate the gift of love.
On a different note, a work colleague surprised me the other day, telling me she had accidentally come across my page, read and liked my articles, and urged me to promote it and increase its outreach, so that more people can benefit from the experiences I share. Therefore, fellow friend, if you count yourself among the beautiful souls who believe in the healing power of love, keep an eye for the upcoming surprises and spread the word if you enjoy reading my thoughts, so that together, we can further spread the love.

Love,
Vladiana

Published by curvybuddha

Exploring spirituality with the same curiosity and love of humankind that drove me to become an anthropologist, I started CurvyBuddha on the 1st of January 2019, as a project of self-discovery. Peppered with personal reflections, pop culture references, a sprinkle of naughtiness, mystical intel and tarot analogies, my journey has become one of self-love. I am happy to share my findings with you, in hope they will help you on your own path, fellow friend.

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