I have spent much of the past weeks wrapped up in an emotional cocoon, in a general mode of emotional self-preservation, trying to make a sense of the range of feelings I have been experiencing in the past while, trying to come to terms with my position in regards to certain situations or people.
You may recall that a while ago I was priding myself with having started to do things by myself. As with all healthy habits, that requires practice and exercise, it requires actually moving and taking an active step in that direction, even when you don’t really feel like it. Especially when you don’t feel like it.
I decided that the best solution is to pull myself out of numbness and inertia and start doing things alone again. I started looking for concerts and shows. I even attended an open dance class, which was much more fun and rewarding than I had expected. One thing we were taught was to keep a respectful distance and to allow the gap between your body and that of your partner close naturally, through organic connection.
Men greedily and inconsiderately crossing that intimacy border too soon is the main reason I never really enjoyed social dances, because I am someone who needs time, safety and reassurance before I can fully open up and welcome someone into my aura. Last weekend I had a bit of an emotional meltdown, while I was attending a Latino party.
While I was practicing my kizomba basics, I was approached by a guy who, although quite polite and friendly, was coming off as a tad too insistent and overeager, inquiring about my romantic life and trying to convince me to go out and get to know him, less than 2 minutes after we had started dancing with each other. Regardless of my general incapacity to say a firm “no” for fear of hurting other people’s feelings, for the first time in my life I knew better than to compromise.
As I walked away, I was already in tears, wondering whether I would ever meet a guy who takes accountability for his actions, who stands in his truth, who speaks straightforwardly about his intentions, who respects me and my intelligence enough not to talk in riddles, who is constant in his actions, who displays unconstrained affection, who understands that showing and expressing love won’t mean he is giving up power. Much on the contrary, that would make him much more of a man to my eyes, for he chooses to stand in his truth, to embrace love fearlessly, knowing I would be there along the way.
When I first had a birth chart reading, I was told that part of my 5th house (of love and creation) was in Pisces, sign of things which are hidden or secret. Simply put, one aspect of that meant I would have a lot of secret love stories. Much to my surprise, that has been the case most, if not all times. Which, of course, implies that you don’t truly get to establish stable and fulfilling connections with people, because something… or someone, gets in the way.
Nevertheless, the other, larger slice of my 5th house is in Aquarius, the sign of freedom, friendship and revolutionary vision. My New Year’s resolution was to shift my love paradigm and embrace love stories which bring me a sense of freedom, of friendship, of shared vision. I didn’t realise that would backfire by making me all the less patient or willing to put up with men who are dragging their feet, who are playing emotional games, who are unwilling to commit or to be blunt about their stance.
A couple of days ago I was discussing my fear of the dark with my friend, in both a physical and metaphysical sense. I went as far as to say that to me, darkness is a form of emotional suicide, because that state of “pitch black” triggers fear within me, fear that I associate with the loss of all hope, with the dissociation of existence itself. That paralysing fear of not knowing who or where you are, not knowing what you are capable of. As a reference, I warmly suggest you watch Nosso Lar.
Today, as I write this, I realise that I associate darkness with things that are hidden, with the murkiness of lie or half-truth. I like my truths right in front of my eyes, where I can see them. I am a highly positive person, I make it my goal to radiate light and warmth within and around me, so that myself and those I care for may move out of the darkness, into a place of light and hope. I am the living example of Plato’s Caveman, who has seen the light and refuses to go back into the dark. And when the others refuse to join you onto a path of light, you simply have to continue alone.
I am no longer willing to accept lukewarm people in my life. I want a travel companion who is in for the long run, who will be my partner in this journey of figuring life out, as we move confidently in harmony, in truth, in mutual respect and admiration, as we allow the other’s shadow side to come to light, as we hold each other’s hand when we deal with struggles, as we cheer for each other when we take a step forward, as we walk side by side when we need a moment alone, as we stop to contemplate the view when we need a moment to recompose or to recalibrate our compass. And most essentially, as we offer one-another free, friendly, visionary love.