The most challenging quest to achieve when healing from the shattered expectations of romance is to regain your sense of self as a sensual and sexual being. I had vowed my body and heart to a person who took no interest in them, I felt rejected and deprived of love, so the issue was multilayered:
I first had to re-establish my self-esteem, the confidence, the certainty that I, as a woman, am desirable, that my assets and gifts are capable in and per themselves, to bring an endless source of joy, pleasure, love, without any extra effort from my side. Simply put, that I am likable. Secondly, I had to open myself to the opportunity of encountering new people, with whom to build a connection based on mutual trust, appreciation, support and genuine care and affection, who would access those corners and nooks of my souls, who would touch my heart open in a way that will make me open beyond the boundaries of sexuality.
For about a year, my body was a barren, yearning for the touch, the attention, the love of that particular someone, like a land during drought, impatiently awaiting for the blessing of rain. I was appalled and disgusted at the thought of any other man touching me. Therefore, a shift was necessary. And the healing was based on self-love.
Over the past few months, blessings for the body and soul have been showered upon me, in such a generous display of Divine Abundance and Grace, that it became undeniable, even by the most sceptical, that I had no reason or excuse to be anything other than grateful, humbled and happy. I started a job I love, I moved into a new flat, I began treating myself to things I enjoy (movies, perfumes, walks, meetings with friends), I learned to spend quality time with myself and others.
It is said that you must love yourself before loving anyone else. While I don’t believe in selfishly prioritising yourself over others, I have discovered the importance of being true to your own wishes and needs, and unapologetic in listening to your intuition, your inner voice, your personal values, your heart’s desires, and of making your truth your priority. By this, I don’t mean clinging onto a superficial ambition of “having it your way”, but rather, the necessity of not depriving your soul of its peace, by acting against who and what you are.
And while I was learning to do just that, I was surprised to see that my sexuality, my feminine energy was also learning, alongside with me. I had the revelation of how wonderful it is to dance with a man. Truth be told, the man in question is no ordinary man. He is a fantastic human and a wonderful dancer, in that he listens to his own body and to that of his partner, and he has the patience, the kindness and the refinement of teaching his partner to do the same.
And with this simple thing, I learned that I can trust and let go, that being independent includes being respected and cherished, that being vulnerable and open is an under-appreciated form of freedom. That the Divine Masculine is in touch with his emotions, is kind, loving, supportive, confident, grounded, responsible, yet spontaneous and contagiously happy. That a man’s hand on my body shouldn’t aim to invade, to disrespect, to abuse, to harm, to use – but rather to guide, to protect, to shelter, to respect, to encourage, to share, to cherish, to comfort, to accompany me in exploring experiences, whether that means eating, drawing, dancing, riding a bike, cooking a meal or making love.
I decided to put my new found wisdom to the test by doing something as trivial as going on Tinder. I was amazed to see how quick my body and my heart are, at giving me signals related to how I feel in the company of people, whether I can relax and be myself, or rather tense up and feel permanently on the watch. And since I understood that my femininity needs a safe, warm, loving environment in order to reach its full potential, I have become much more uncompromising in choosing the people I want around, the people I invest my time and energy in.
All this soul-searching can be exhausting, so the other day I felt the need to lie down and connect to the Source and recharge energetically, while chanting the Green Tara Mantra, which I always find very calming and grounding. As I was moving my hands over my chakras, to nourish them with Divine energy, somewhere throughout the process, I connected to them on an intimate level, and they responded, by adjusting the manner in which I was chanting the mantra. I tuned in to the inner music of my chakras, observing the steady, soothing softness of my Heart chakra, the determined, confident, rhythmic strength of my Solar Plexus, the gentle, motherly, nurturing, lullaby-like humming of my Sacral Chakra, the powerful, masculine, military marching of my Root Chakra and the angelic, transcendental, religious chanting conveyed by my Crown Chakra.
I have never felt more in tune with myself, amazed by how meaningful life can become, when you feel safe enough to allow yourself to listen. To the Divinity of nature, of another fellow human, of your own self. And I wish you nothing more, or less, than to become better listeners.